Running Through the Curves...and Overcoming Obstacles

Pulling on my tights for the first time in seven months, searching for my running mittens as I tried to pump myself up for my first really cold run of the fall.  It was below freezing and I hadn’t needed to bundle up for a run in a long time.  Good thing I had packed up my summer running gear, switching it out for my winter clothing.  Layering for cold runs has always been a concern for me, as I tend to warm up very quickly and dislike tying jackets around my waist or worrying about shedding layers and losing them.  

Yesterday was an amazing run.  There was some concern about the wind coming off Muskegon Lake and the windchill slowing me down.  But after the first half mile, my legs were warmed up, settling into the familiar cadence and rhythm of a long run.  Along the bike trail I chose to log my ten solo miles on, I was greeted by the cardinal who has been a constant presence this fall.  Leaves crunched and relented under my pounding feet.   I felt strong. I felt fast.  The first five miles sped by as I took in the solitude that enveloped me as I made my way out to Lake Michigan.  A brief pause along my favorite boardwalk, I finally felt at peace, free from the emotional hurricane that had been the driving force of my paces for the past few weeks.  

Earlier in October, my life took a major curve: a personal betrayal and the resulting fall-out sent me into a tailspin.  I was struggling to make sense of what had happened and sorting out the shattered pieces of my broken heart.  Running has long been one of the ways I process through stress, anxiety, anger, and grief.  I have pounded the pavement while seething vivid, red.  And while seeping deep, aching grey.  But for the past few weeks, the emotional rollercoaster I have been on has been a canvas of colored emotions: disbelief, betrayal, hurt, confusion, self-doubt.  

And I turned to it again, despite the sense of betrayal and distrust that had been clouding my runs.  I have actually had to force myself to get out and run.  I haven’t had the desire to and that was concerning.   Anyone who knows me well enough realizes the importance of running in my life and my need to ‘just run.’  

A lack of sleeping, eating, and desire to run did not stop my legs from churning:

5.3 miles 41:52 (7:53 pace)

3.3 miles 25:14 (7:38) pace

5.0 miles 38:04 (7:36 pace)

4.1 miles 29:55 (7:17 pace)

6.2 miles 46:04 (7:25 pace) GR marathon relay

4.0 miles 29:32 (7:23 pace)

6.2 miles 44:31 (7:10 pace)

9.2 miles 1:10:11 (7:37 pace)

3.0 miles 23:01 (7:40 pace)

5.0 miles 36:49 (7:21 pace)

10.0 miles 1:16:35 (7:39 pace)

There were even several sub 7:00 minute miles toward the end of each of those runs.  And every one was a negative split.  I would like to think that the cooler weather as a small part in my speedier, more consistent times...but I know myself better.  And even though each one of these runs was driven by a swirl of negative emotions, by the time I was done, I felt better.  Less hurt, less angry, more confident in my decisions and newly chosen path.  I am choosing to look back at what I had and cherish the love and the memories that I was fortunate enough to experience, rather than focusing on the end.  I was lucky to have love in my life again, even if it wasn’t meant to last.  As with most life-experiences...the beginning and endings are often rough and rocky...but the middle is the best part.  

Keeping this in mind, I continue to put one foot in front of the other, from looking forward to new running goals and new opportunities to become involved in my community to planning out my last year as a graduate student and spending quality time with my little one...who isn’t so little anymore.  This too shall pass and the future awaits, bold and bright, for those willing to work hard and be patient.